Yaoi Field Guide (what comes of reading too many djs and BBGs)

A. Stalking the Wild Seme

Mating calls:

Omae wa ore no mono da!	(You belong to me)
Dare ni mo watasanai!	(I'm not giving you up to anybody!)
Omae wa kawaisugiru kara	(You're just too cute)
Gaman dekinai.	(I can't resist)
Kawaigatte yaru.	(I'm gonna make you feel good)
Ashi wo hiraite	(Open your legs)
Koshi wo agete	(Get your ass up)
Chikara wo nuite	(Relax)
Jitto shite	(Don't move)
Ii ko da.	(Good boy.)
Ireruze	(I'm coming in)
Itchau!	(I'm coming!)

Mating calls found in different species:

The Short Story seme says: Chanto kuwaete. (Hold it carefully in your mouth) (see under 'mating ritual') Inran da naa, omae. (You're so wanton.)

The Evil Seme says: Okashite yaru (I'm going to rape you = 'kawaigatte yaru' qv above

The Seductive Seme says: Nani shite hoshii? (What do you want me to do?) Itte mirou. (Tell me.) Iwanai to yaranai. (I won't do it unless you tell me)

Mating characteristics

Paralysis (rictus) of the facial features. No expression before, during or after sex. Evil Semes are permitted to smile evilly during rape. Seductive Semes are allowed to smile seductively.

Lockjaw of the pelvis. Little or no pelvic thrusting during sex. To achieve orgasm the uke moves his hips back and forth about the seme's cock. See 'final position', below

Orgasm infinitely delayed or absent entirely.

B. Stalking the Wild Uke

Mating response

Dame!	(no!)
Iya da!	(No!)
Hanase!	(Let me go!)
Itai!	(Ow!)
Ngh!	(Unh!)
Aahhhh!	(Ohhh!)
Haaa haaa	(pant pant)
Hiiii---	(AAAKKKK!!!!)
Mou---	(I can't stand it it's too painful it's too wonderful I'm coming I'm passing out oh my god)

Mating responses found in different species

The Seductive Seme's Uke says Hazukashii (I'm so embarrassed)

The Wanton Uke says Irete (Shove it in)

The Polite Wanton Uke says Irete kure (Please shove it in)

The Very Wanton Uke says Omae no asoko-- ore no naka ni-- irete-- kure.... (Please enter your down there into my inside)

Physical peculiarities

Extreme motility of the tear ducts: ukes cry before, during and after sex. (See: the anal hymen, below)

Partial paralysis of the lips: leads to stammer while giving mating responses, so that they sound more like 'Da-dame! I-ya-aa- d-da! I-i- taiii.' Calls seme's name during orgasm with long pauses, as in 'Kura-' 'Ma!'

The glowing cone of light: replaces the penis in yaoi males. With manipulation, the faint outlines of a penis sometimes form within the glowing cone, constituting--

The phantom penis: capable of copious self-lubrication before and after orgasm

The self-lubricating anus: becomes wet in response to the seme's inserted finger or manipulation of the uke's penis, allowing the seme entry. Gushes copiously after (multiple) orgasm.

The anal hymen: makes initial penetration painful for the uke, leading to gushing tears. Subsequent penetrations on the same occasion are then enjoyable. Hymen repairs itself between occasions and must be breached again every time the two have sex.

C. Mating ritual

• Seme and uke exchange calls. 'Kawaigatte yaru.' 'Iya da!' 'Omae wa kawaisugiru.' 'Hanase!' 'Ashi wo hiraite.' 'I-iya da. Ngh! Aaahhh--'
• Seme sucks uke's groin area. This makes uke's anus lubricate. (Note: this first step is optional. Usually in short stories it's the uke who sucks the seme's groin area.)
• Seme sticks finger into uke's anus, draws it out covered in either lubricating liquid or blood, according to taste. Licks finger.
• Seme manipulates uke's glowing cone of light (qv). This makes uke's anus lubricate more.
• Uke comes, blowing bubbles from his mouth.
• Seme penetrates uke's dripping anus while manipulating uke's overflowing phantom penis (qv). Uke comes repeatedly while crying and biting on his arm.
• Change of position. (Mandatory) If they begin with uke on his hands and knees, this is followed by uke lying on his back, uke sitting on the seme's lap facing outward, or uke sitting on seme's lap facing him (the Preferred Position for the [uke's] final orgasm.)
• Sex is over when uke has no more bodily fluids left in him. Uke says either at that point or next day, 'Datte ore wa (seme's name) ga suki da.' (But I really love you, Seme's Name.) This is intended to explain why uke has put up with rape and /or all those unwanted multiple orgasms at (literally) the seme's hands.