Indifferent to the Loss.


Chapter One : It's not your thing to care.

He stormed into his quarters, secretly upset that he had lost control of
his actions.  He had meant to confuse Tamahome.  Twist the younger man's 
thoughts, leaving him unsure and uncertain.  He was well aware that just a small amount of
intimacy would have had that affect on Tamahome.  He had still unnerved him but he would have
preferred to play a few more complex mind games with the youth.  He had not
meant to hurt Tamahome yet.

He had kissed Tamahome and his anger had been too great to ignore.  For just 
a second it had taken control and he had struck Tamahome with all the force
of an old seething anger.  He could easily apprehend why his anger had been 
stirred. It was purely caused by kissing a man with such similar features - that same 
dark blue hair and those deep violet eyes.

He sat down at the table.  It had been a long time since he had thought of
his old mentor.  He had possessed dark hair pulled back by a scrap of cotton 
and violet eyes that reflected his curiosity and compassion.  They had 
almost been the same height. 

At the time his sensei had only been twenty-nine and he himself had been
little more than fifteen.....


Chapter Two : Selfless, Cold and Composed.

The boy is still as much of a mystery to me as he was when I first saw him;
his golden hair shining like the sun, his blue eyes as bright as a summer 
sky and just as distant.  I understand him no more than I did that day.  His 
words are measured, his actions precise and his thoughts unknown.  There is 
no suggestion of compassion or cruelty in his features.  He is as beautiful 
and reserved as stone sculpture.  The information I do know of him simply 
leads me to more questions.  He is the Emperor's lover, yet I see
no affection or obvious greed to give incentive to him.  He is intelligent
and strong but he does not force his ideas, he does not even share his 
intentions.  He does not show emotion of any variety although I am certain 
he feels it deeply.  

The only time I have ever seen past his facade was a few days ago.  Walking
around the palace at dusk I spotted him sitting on the ground, his hands by 
his sides, his pale eyes staring into the dark waters.  He did not shed a 
single tear but his entire face was shadowed by sorrow.  I never realised a 
person could look so sad, so hurt and consumed with so much grief.  He 
looked up at me and for a single moment, his features were illuminated by a 
hatred as impenetrable as his woe.  Then the familiar mask appeared and he was once more distant, indifferent and detached.  He
merely stood and started to walk away.  I ran after him, called out his name and
asked the reason for his anguish.  He watched me, alert as ever, and replied that I
must be mistaken for he was fine.  I berated him and protested that he could trust
me, that it was normal, it was human, to feel.  He observed me.  He did 
nothing, showed no reaction and just observed me.  So I did the first thing 
that sprang to mind simply to find some reaction in those cold features.  I 
kissed him.  He pushed me so hard I nearly lost my balance as the force 
compelled me to take several faltering steps backwards.  His words were 
clear and articulate and his voice was deep and distant, but the fire in 
his eyes burned bright.  

"Never touch me."

I brought my attention back to the scroll in front of me.  A simple work
explaining the Seishi, particularly the Seiryuu Seishi.  It was long shot 
but perhaps I could gleam some knowledge, some insight into the boy from 
this manuscript.  Hearing the light tap against my door, I turned.

"Enter."

The screen moved aside to reveal the boy himself, Nakago.  He was dressed
in a pale blue robe, simply styled in silk, matching his icy eyes perfectly.  
Why had he come? 

He had never done this before and I was more than slightly curious.  He
watched me, his gaze never leaving mine as he glided into the room and 
silently closed the door behind him.  I waited for him to speak.  He walked 
in front of me, then untied the sash around his waist and let the robe slip 
off his shoulders to the floor.

"Do you desire me?"

I doubt anything else could surprise me as much as those few seconds did.

"Nakago...I....This is not...."

"Do you desire me?"  

Not a hint of emotion, not a hint of anything.  The question was simple and
direct, nothing more and nothing less.  It was not impatient, only persistent.  

"Nakago..."

"Do you desire me?"  

"Yes."

I awaited his reply, surprised at myself for such a candid answer.  He nodded.

"Good.  I have a proposition for you.  Sleep with me tonight."

"What?!"

"I want to spend the night in your bed."

"But.... Why...?"

"Do so and the Emperor will reward you well."

He walked over to me and stood in front of me, almost touching me.  I felt
his warm breath against my cheek.

"What do you mean?"

He leaned forward and softly whispered into my ear.

"He will offer you money, land and a suitable marriage.  A princess or a
lady at court.  It would be a small fortune sensei."

I found this entire conversation unnerving.  Being seduced by my younger
students is not something that happens to me.  The fact that he stood there, 
completely naked without a shred of self-consciousness, was also distracting 
me.  I realised that this would end the same way that disagreements during 
lessons did.  No matter how much I argued, explained or refused I would 
still go to bed at night wondering just how he had manipulated me into doing 
what he wanted.  Perhaps it would be easier, and quicker, to accede tonight 
and accept his offer.  The fact that it secretly appealed to me was another 
influencing factor.

"I will, but first explain why you are doing this."

"Me?"

He quickly glanced at me.  

"Personal satisfaction."

Without another word he lay face down on the mattress with his head turned
away from me.  I recognised that position.  It was the same way he had lain 
in his room.  I had passed by one night and his door had been open.  One of 
the Emperor's consorts had noticed me watching him and had laughingly 
commented.

"I swear, he poses like that just to draw the Emperor's notice to his
figure.  I wonder if attention-seeking is something common to Hin?  They 
always were known to be depraved!"

He did not move, did not flinch against her cruel laughter as I had.
I strolled over to him and gently kissed his soft cheek.

"I will go through with this but if I do, we do it my way.  You do as I
ask.  Agree?"

"I assumed as much."

I ignored the implications of that statement, slowly lying down beside him.
I gently turned him over and started to kiss him.  He did not tense but he 
did not respond either.  I received the impression that he was in total 
control of his body.  

"Relax Nakago.  Relax and enjoy the pleasure."

He smirked and his words were bitter and condescending.

"Sex has nothing to do with pleasure.  It is a tool that is used for what
people want."

I was shocked.  The acceptance in his tone upset me more than the idea 
itself.

"How can you be so jaded so young?"

"How can you be so naive so old?"

I smiled at his rebuttal and was surprised at the cold logic that followed.

"It is used by all people.  Whores in the street use it to feed and clothe
themselves and wives do the same under the ideal of love.  What of men who 
use it to hurt others and show dominance or young soldiers who use it to 
further their career?  There is no finer feeling involved, no loyalty or 
compassion.  It is nothing more than an animalistic act and you are a fool 
if you believe there is anything more to it."

"Hush.  That's not true.  If you believe that then you simply have not
experienced what it can be."

"It can be nothing m-"

I silenced him with a gentle kiss, then went on to show him precisely how 
much pleasure could be found in this 'animalistic act'.


Chapter Three : He wasn't meant for this.

He left early the next morning but not before asking if he could return
that evening. 

The answer was assured.

He did not act any differently during his lessons, he was still the same
cold and composed Nakago that I had come to admire.  I waited well past 
sunset for his appearance that night.  Finally, I heard the screen slide 
open and saw him close it behind him.

"You're late."

"We agreed on no time, merely on evening."

He swiftly disrobed and I was shocked by the dark bruises against his pale
skin.

"By Seiryuu's scales!  Are you all right?  What in the world happened?"

"I had to wait for the Emperor to finish."

I gently ran my hands over the dark marks that were imprinted upon his chest.

"Is he....Does he always treat you like this?"

"He treats me as he sees fit.  He is the Emperor."

That comment did nothing to soothe my concerns.  He leant forward, kissing
me.  I softly kissed the nape of his neck and saw that back was also battered 
as were his thighs.  I placed my hands on the small of his back and resolved 
to show him the tenderness he deserved.

Afterwards he lay in my arms with his face resting against my chest.  He
was so beautiful, I didn't understand why he would consent to being the 
Emperor's lover.  I stroked his flaxen hair and asked him.

"You don't know?  I thought the Emperor had made my situation clear to
everyone in the palace."

"Everyone except me it seems.  Another drawback to only being a lowly
educator."  

I smiled and kissed his blond locks.

"It is because of my past....."

I was horrified as he told me of his family and of his experience.  I had
heard of the death of the Hin but had not known it was genocide.  The public 
had been told of a revolution and that the Hin were attacking defenceless 
innocents.  We had been told of the victory for Kutou and for the regrettable
amounts of casualties suffered by both sides.  People had been glad to know 
that they would be safe in their homes, they had never known that it was the 
Hin who had been peaceful and without protection.  

When he told me of the abuse from the Emperor, or his 'visits' as he 
labelled them, I was beyond appalled.  The only thing I could do was hold 
him close as he fell asleep and press him against me until he woke.


Chapter Four : Then the moment was gone.

His story had been occupying my mind since he told me two nights ago.  What 
on Earth had compelled him to approach anyone?  Why had he come to me?  I
could find no real answers as I watched him run through his exercises.  He 
had made it clear that he did not want this relationship advertised.  I 
resolved to ask him that night.  

I had noticed that fresh marks continued to appear but I said nothing.
There was another mystery.  Why were there no bruises at all on that first
night?

Had the Emperor discovered and become angry with him or did the Emperor 
always treat him like this?  Both were plausible.  I noticed that the 
bruises never appeared on his face or hands, or anywhere else that might 
easily be seen.  Perhaps he had been treated like this since I first arrived 
and I had been too unobservant to realise.  What else had happened that I'd 
never noticed?  I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

When I did ask him, he replied that it was no concern of mine.  His way of
saying he didn't want to tell me, I guess.  As he fell asleep in my embrace, 
however, he did utter a rather cryptic remark.

"The Emperor becomes very upset and very jealous at the idea of someone else
having his play-thing."

It kept me awake for hours.  The only meaning I could find was that his
reason for being here was to upset the emperor.  But that couldn't be right. 
Could it?  Surely not.....

The next night I asked him about the bruises.  I wanted to know if they
were because of me.  He had been surprised at that comment.

"It has nothing to do with you."

"Then why do fresh bruises keep appearing?"  I said nothing about the red
abrasions on his wrists.  

"What do you actually want to know?"

"Why do they keep appearing and why weren't they there before?"

He cocked an eyebrow at me.  

"Surely even you knew that the Emperor left the capital last fortnight.  He
returned six days ago."  The second night he spent in my quarters.  

"The Emperor had been away for a week before you came?"

"Not quite but long enough."

"....for the bruises to heal...."  Somehow, I think I would have preferred
knowing that they were caused by my presence.  At least that way I was not 
guilty of being so unaware of his plight.  The boy closed the gap between us.

"Don't let it bother you," he said as he kissed me.


Chapter Five : Now that I have found someone.

"Why did you choose me?  Why not approach anyone?"

He gave me an icy stare, "I will not discuss this here."

I looked around the courtyard.  It was empty as it always was at this time
of day. 

"Why not?"

He looked at me and then turned, facing the open doorway that led into the
Emperor's quarters.  A moment later I realised what had caught his attention 
as I heard his name called.

"Nakago!"

One of the emperor's numerous consorts emerged.  She was around my age,
perhaps a few years younger.  The spiteful smile on her face was unmistakable.
 
"Nakago.  I've been looking all over for you!  You know that the emperor..."

She was interrupted as he turned to me and excused himself.  She glared at
him.

"Nakago!  You should learn to respect your betters," she paused."Then
again, I guess you deserve some merit.  It must be hard to respect everyone!"
She laughed and his face was once more unresponsive and reserved."Come on, 
the Emperor'll get impatient."  

I watched him walk away, dismissing the derogatory comment she made to me
before leaving.  I was slightly annoyed at having my lesson interrupted but 
I had always noticed that on some days lessons would be expedited by the boy 
but this had not occurred before.  This was why he hastened some classes and 
not others - the emperor had an itinerary.  Thinking back upon the events I 
suddenly understood the reason behind his mask of distance.  It was the only 
way he could cope.

By the time I retired to my quarters it was after dark.  None the less I
did not expect him to arrive for another hour or so and was surprised when I 
found him waiting for me.

"I wish to finish my lesson."  Seeing the look on my face, he added,"The
emperor also wishes this."

"Oh."  

I do not think I could have come up with a more inane comment.

"Should we go to the courtyard to finish practice?"

"No.  I think I would prefer to go over some tactics with you."

I opened my door and let both of us in.  Needless to say, it was not
tactics that we investigated.

Lying in my bed, him beside me I decided to try to get some straight
answers out of him.

"Did you approach me just to upset the Emperor?"

He looked at me, slowly weighing me against some inner standard.

"Yes."

"Why?  After what the Emperor has done...How could you be prepared to let
me....let me treat you the same way he does...just to upset him?"

"I was aware of the consequences."

I was shocked by such a cold answer.  

"But why give so much to gain so little?"

"You cannot give something that has already been taken, sensei."

"I just don't understand how you could go through with it."

"Sex is a tool, to be used as any other."

But...he's not worth it.  There is no need to..."

"It is only a tool, sensei, nothing more.  It happens to be one at my
disposal."

I shook my head.  I had no idea how to understand the boy; his motives, his
logic, his psyche, they were all foreign to me.  I could not comprehend how 
he could view such an intimacy so heartlessly.  Thinking of the way the 
emperor treated him, I could comprehend all too well.

"Why did you decide to elect me?  If your only reason was too upset the
Emperor, why not choose anyone?"

"Plainly phrased, you are a naive fool.  You believe that there is hope for
every situation and good in everyone, even me.  You would not cause any
difficulty, I can easily manipulate you and you would not hurt me."

I wasn't sure if he was complimenting me or insulting me.  

"You were surprised by the pleasure; how did you know I wouldn't hurt you?"

"That is not what I meant.  It's true that I did not know....how good that
could feel.  I knew that you would not be jealous or vindictive and that you 
would leave without causing any obstacles."

"So, what was your plan?  Obviously you did not mean for this to be a
permanent arrangement."

"No, I didn't.  The Emperor will offer you wealth as soon as he realises
what is happening."

"You plan to tell the Emperor as soon as this arrangement no longer suits
you?"

"Of course."

I was stunned.  I never thought that anyone could approach any of this so
emotionlessly.  He looked up at me.  Then he swiftly rose and dressed.

"I have overstayed my welcome.  I should leave."

Part of me was too overwhelmed to react.  I didn't want to see the boy go
but I knew there was no real way I could force him to stay.  He would do 
what he wanted to and I only related to his plans for as long as I was...
useful.  I watched him gently open the door and leave.  Just before he left, 
he turned with a smirk.

"Have I disappointed you, sensei?" I shook my head and he continued,"Or have 
I merely repulsed you?"

Once more I shook my head.

"Never."

For a second he looked scared, then he shrugged and continued on his way.


Chapter Six : All the sadness; all the rage.

The Emperor had left the room guarded all night.  No one had been able to
enter or leave.  He slowly roused himself.  Threw his clothes on.  Brushed 
his hair.

Started to pace once more.  Chided himself, for foolishness, for weakness, 
for ever allowing anyone to be close to him, for his own blind stupidity.  
Remembered the Emperor's words.  

I kept my promise.  

I offered your lover the choice.  

He chose to leave.  

Sitting on the bed, trying to forget, wanting to understand.  Hearing the
truth in cruel words.

Did you think he cared for you?!  

He never loved you.  

He would never, could never, love you.  

Why would anyone ever care for you?!  

He calmed his breathing.  The words spinning around his mind.

No-one could ever love you.

He looked out the window.  Watched his sensei's empty room.  He couldn't
have left. 

He wouldn't.  

He chose to leave.  

No!  He was being silly.  He knew it.  He had known when he approached his
sensei that the Emperor would keep his word.  The Emperor had seen him kiss 
him.  Had been upset and shouted.  Had been jealous.  Had said that if he 
found any more evidence that he would offer the man riches and freedom from 
the palace.

He had also said that his lover would accept it without any qualms.

I offered him the choice to stay until tomorrow evening.

He didn't want to stay near you any longer.

He chose to leave.  

He lay down on the bed, wishing he was not so utterly alone.

He awoke.  The guards were gone.  He left his room.  Striding to his
teacher's room. 

He found it bare.  Opening the drawers.  Upsetting the mattress.  Searching
for a sign. 

For something.  For anything.  Any item proving, or even hinting, that his
sensei had cared.  A gift, a note, anything!  He found nothing.

He sunk to his knees.  Felt hot angry tears roll down his cheeks.  No!  It
wasn't fair! 

Life wasn't fair!  The only one he had let himself get close to.  The only
one he had trusted.  The only one he had honestly shared himself with.  The 
only one he had cared for since he came here!  Life just wasn't fair.

He turned, hearing familiar laughter.  The Emperor and one of his many
consorts.

"Thought I would find you here Nakago.  Well?  Did he bother to even leave
you a small amount of change?"

He knew what the Emperor meant.  Was he paid for his 'services' like some
common prostitute?

"Any ideas on what I should do with you?  I'll have to get another tutor."
The woman spoke.  "He's getting a bit old for a tutor, don't you think?  He
ought to join the military.  He'd look good in a uniform."  High pitched 
laughter rang in his ears.

"I think you're right.  Don't you agree Nakago?"


Chapter Seven : All is fair in love.

He had left the palace a few weeks later and vowed never to sleep there
again.  He had become a very successful warrior and was quickly promoted.  
He had even saved a few unfortunate kids along the way, taking them out of 
their situations and finding them other homes.  But he never forgot his 
tutor and never forgave him for leaving.
 
The strange thing was that all the anger against his sensei had been buried
while his anger against the Emperor had become an ice cold hatred that 
fuelled his resolve to ruin and rule Kutou.

At first, he had searched through rumours for any glimpse of information.
He had attempted to discover his mentor's location.  Eventually he had gone 
to the countryside, following vague gossip.  Surprisingly, the rumours had 
been correct.  His tutor had moved to a small town, had married a lady-in-
waiting of noble blood from the court, had three children and expected a fourth.  

He had stalked through his land, towards his house, with the intent of
observing his mentor's life.  He had discovered that his mentor was happy, 
had noticed the pride and joy in his tutors face as he watched his family; 
as he laughed with his daughter, as he played with his son, as he held his 
wife.  He had left as stealthily as he came and let no-one know that he had 
even been there.  

For some strange reason, he could not feel glad for his mentor.  He would 
have preferred knowing that his mentor was miserable and had been distraught
when he had left.  He would have preferred to know that his mentor had been
assassinated by the Emperor, had been imprisoned or had been physically 
forced to leave the palace.... 

He would have preferred knowing that than knowing that his...lover had left
voluntarily and now enjoyed a contented life.

He stood.  What was done, was done.  He could not change his actions towards
Tamahome but he would use them against the young whelp.  He walked outside,
heading towards Soi's bed.

He paused, watching Soi's face, innocent and guileless in sleep.  She
stirred and her eyes darkened with worry.

"Nakago?  Is everything okay?"  He nodded.  She reached up a delicate hand and
stroked his cheek.  "Are you sure?  You look upset."

"I'm sure."  He kissed her red lips.  She smiled, brightening his life for
an instant.

"Is that all you came for?" her voice was amused.

"No.  I came for much more than that."  He leant down, his kiss was firmer and
demanded a response.  "I wanted your company."

She pulled back the covers, inviting him.  

"Then why don't you join me?"

He did.

THE END