In the Darken Room: Crawl Away Side Story

    He has no hope who never had a fear.

    [William Cowper: Truth] 

    It has become a conditioned response for the children in the cell block.  The sound of the heavy metal door being unlocked and pushed open would send them scrambling to the corners of their pens.  The tip-tap sounds of the footsteps made the children cringe further into the corners and hide their faces.  'If they can't see you, they won't buy you,'  An advise an older boy told him once.  Aoshi drew the thin blanket around his shoulders and lied down.  The cold floor wrapped around him and the familiar words came to him as the cold inched through him, toward his bones.

    There is no God....

    Aoshi pressed his ear against the stone floor and listened to the footsteps come closer.  A voice that did not belong to him, whispered again.

    God had abandoned you and thrown you to a place beyond His reach.  There is no God...

    The footsteps paused in front of his pen.  Aoshi glanced up and met the caretaker's eyes.  

    "Aoshi," he said as he crouched down to open the door.  "Come here."

    For a moment, Aoshi did not move.  The small door opened and the caretaker gestured for him to come out.

    "Do you want to be punished again?"

    "No," Aoshi answered in a small voice.  He pushed himself up and crawled toward the doorway.

    "Good boy," the man said as Aoshi crept into his arms.  The caretaker picked Aoshi up and carried him out of the cell block.  Aoshi laid his head down against the caretaker's shoulder and watched the eyes of other children who had scampered out from their hiding to look at him.

    Poor, poor Aoshi.  Terrible things will happen to him....

    "You look very pretty," the old woman said and gave Aoshi's hair a couple of more strokes with the hair brush.  "Yotsuya-sama will be pleased."

    The caretaker fetched a pair of patent leather shoes from the corner and waved for the old woman to leave.

    "Tell our guest that I will bring Aoshi down shortly."

    "Hai," the old woman bowed and backed out of the room.

    Aoshi looked down at the caretaker when he knelt at the foot of the chair.  He took one of Aoshi's stockinged foot and slid it into the small shoe.

    "Aoshi, I want you to be nice to Yotsuya-sama and do everything he want you to do," he said.  "He really likes you and he might be willing to pay the price they had set for you."

    Aoshi heard from another caretaker that the owner had set a ridiculously high price on him to prevent him from being sold.  The price rose a little higher each time another wealthy or powerful man asked for him.  Aoshi was more profitable as a rental property, someone said.  The poor little boy who will never be sold.

    The caretaker slipped the second shoe in place and nodded for Aoshi to stand up for him.  The boy pushed himself off the over-sized velvet chair.

    "Don't you want to leave this place?" The caretaker said as he straightened out the crisp school-boy uniform Aoshi wore.  "Go to a place where you don't have to sleep in a cold little cage or be afraid..."

    Aoshi didn't answer him.  The caretaker always asked him that same question and told him about another life he might have.  Aoshi never found an answer to give him.  What he wanted, he didn't know the words to ask for it.

    The caretaker stood, looked Aoshi over once more and took the boy's hand.

    "Are you scared?" The caretaker said as he led him out of the room.

    "I don' know."

    He remembered Yotsuya.  A strange man who liked to pretend he was Aoshi's father and had insisted he called him 'daddy'.  A peculiar man who also spun his own reality whenever he saw fit.  Most of the men Aoshi kept company, they were predicable in their needs.  Yotsuya wasn't one of them. 

    "Eat your dinner, angel," Yotsuya said to him, pointing toward Aoshi's still-full plate with his steak knife.  

    Aoshi speared a piece of carrot on his fork and nibbled at the corner of it.  Being in unfamiliar places made him nervous and Yotsuya's mansion was especially nerve wrecking.  Aoshi eyed the maids and butlers who stood nearby with towels draped over their forearms.  They tried not to look at Aoshi but when they did, there were glints of pity in their eyes.

    "Did you miss me?" 

    "Yes daddy," Aoshi said, offering him a practiced smile.  "Very much."

    Yotsuya grinned proudly and turned toward the servants to ask for more wine.  After his glass was filled, Yotsuya dismissed them.  The dining room became bigger and lonelier already.

    "Do you like your new school?"

    Aoshi was confused for a moment.

    "I guess," Aoshi said and set down the half eaten carrot.  He wanted to ask to be excused but he wasn't certain where he could go.  He was led directly to the dining room when he was driven to the Estate.  He wasn't even certain if he was given a bedroom.

    "Why are you not eating?" Yotsuya said, his voice had lost the kindness it held only moments earlier.

    "I am not very hungry," Aoshi said quietly, his eyes remained on the steak that was cut into bite size for him.  "I'm sorry, daddy."

    "No, you're not sorry," Yotsuya said and set his knife and fork down on the plate.  "You also like to fight, from what your teachers told me."

    Aoshi's stomach clenched.  He knew where this was going and there was no way out. 

    "Is that how I raised you?" Yotsuya's voice rose. 

    "No, daddy...." Aoshi whispered.

    Yotsuya pushed himself away from the table.  "Since the food's not good enough for you, the dinner's over."

    Aoshi looked up at Yotsuya and fought the urge to cry when Yotsuya gestured for him to come.  Aoshi put down the fork and slid off the chair.  The walk along the length of the dining room table felt like the longest he had to endure.  His legs felt rubbery and he was trembling by the time he stepped in front of Yotsuya.

    "You're scared because you know what you did was wrong," Yotsuya said.

    Aoshi could not speak.  He finally forced himself to nod.

    "And you'll take the punishment you deserve."

    The first drop of tear escaped and rolled down his cheek.

    "Crying won't help you, angel," Yotsuya said and stood up.  "I'm doing this because I love you very much."

    Yotsuya took Aoshi by his hand and half walked, half dragged the boy into the adjacent room.  It was a den with shelves of books and a fire place.  Yotsuya led Aoshi to the leather arm chair set in front of the fire place.  Yotsuya sat down, pulling Aoshi into his lap as he did so.

    "You do know I love you," Yotsuya said and kissed Aoshi's small mouth.  Aoshi nodded again.  Tears continued to pour from the corner of his eyes, blurring his vision.

    Aoshi clawed at the arm of the chair, panic suddenly setting in, when Yotsuya turned him over on his stomach. 

    "Please don't...." Aoshi said, struggling to push himself up and off Yotsuya's lap.  He thrashed even more violently when he felt Yotsuya's erection press against his stomach.  

    "Stop it!" Yotsuya yelled, but Aoshi knew he didn't mean it.  Yotsuya's excitement fed off fear and Aoshi didn't know how to stop fueling it.  He was scared and he wanted to be anywhere else but there.  He felt his pants being undone and torn away.  The cold air emphasized his helplessness and it made him even more afraid.

     God had abandoned you and thrown you to a place beyond His reach.  There is no God...

    "Nononono---" Aoshi started to scream.  He was screaming at the voice that taunted him in his head and at Yotsuya.  

    Then a searing pain interrupted all of his thought and his fight.  The next one, he felt it more distinctly and it had hurt even more.  Yotsuya held Aoshi down by the back of his neck with one hand, and striking his bared ass with another.  Although he had been punished in similar fashion before, he had never felt this kind of pain.  Yotsuya was hitting him with his full strength--with anger and excitement behind the force of it. 

   The sounds of him being struck were terrible.  It made the hurt even more pronounced.  Aoshi cried and begged, uttering promises to his false father. 

   "You always make promises," Yotsuya said and delivered another blow that made Aoshi scream louder.  "And you always break them."

   Then the hitting stopped.  The only sounds in the room were Aoshi's sobbing and Yotsuya's heavy breathing. 

   "You're an awful boy," Yotsuya said silkily.  "To make me so angry..."

   Yotsuya stroked the reddened buttocks and marveled at the color.

   "I'm sorry..."

   "Are you?" Yotsuya leaned over and kissed the heated punished skin,  wrenching a surprised cry from Aoshi.  

    "Yes...yes..." Aoshi whispered, incoherent and terrified.  "I'll be good..."  

    Yotsuya picked up the boy and set him on his lap.  

    "My little angel," Yotsuya said and cupped Aoshi's face in his hands.  For a moment, Yotsuya was mesmerized by the shimmering green eyes.  He loved Aoshi's eyes.  Two polished little gems that seemed to catch the light of the sun whenever he looked at them.  "My perfect, pretty little angel."

     Aoshi woke to the sounds of papers rustling and crackling.  He opened his eyes and saw Yotsuya reclined in an overstuffed sofa, immersed in the newspaper spread out before him.  Aoshi turned his face away and curled up a little tighter in the spacious bed.  His backside ached, reminding him of the flurries of violence and tenderness Yotsuya had shown him last night.  He longed to return to the small, cold prison.  At least he understood the misery that waited for him at that wretched place.  

    He heard someone tap on the door and Yotsuya pressed the electronic lock to let him in.  The smell of coffee came in with the visitor.

    "Wake him up and bathe him, will you?" Yotsuya said.  "Then we will breakfast together."

    "Yes, sir," a soft voice answered Yotsuya.  

    Gentle hands nudged at him then scooped him up.  

    "It's okay," a soft voice assured him.  Fingers threaded through his hair and stroked it as he was carried from the bedroom and into a bathroom down the hall.  Aoshi was set down on the counter.  The old servant with gray and white hair smiled at him, bending to meet Aoshi at the eye level.  For awhile, the old man said nothing.  

    "I wish I could help you," the servant said and kissed Aoshi's forehead.  Aoshi watched the old man quietly as he turned away and ran the water into the scallop shaped tub.  After finding the suitable temperature of the water, the old man stopped the tub and turned around to lift Aoshi off the counter.  Aoshi was not aware of many things, except for the old man's eyes.  

    "Why are you crying?" Aoshi asked when the old man stripped the last piece of the flannel pajamas from him and saw the bruises that had begun to darken.    

    "Because I am a coward."

    Aoshi tilted his head, thoroughly puzzled by the reply.  

    "Someday..." the old man said and cupped Aoshi's small face in his aged hands.  "I pray someday you will find someone who will free you from all of this and give you happiness.  I will pray for you every night..."

    "But there is no God."

    Aoshi stirred the eggs on his plate with his fork.  He had little appetite but he had forced himself to eat.  Yotsuya had sternly warned Aoshi to clear his plate a couple of times already.  

    "Did you sleep well last night, darling?" Yotsuya asked.

    "Yes daddy."

    "I have a present for you."

    Aoshi looked up at Yotsuya and managed a small smile.  Aoshi prepared himself for another game Yotsuya had orchestrated.  It was unlike Yotsuya to buy him things when both of them knew the boy could not possibly keep them.  A stab of fear lanced through him for a moment when Aoshi contemplated if he had been bought.  Quickly, Aoshi dismissed the thought.  He could not have been sold.  He was the boy who could not be sold.  

    Yotsuya gestured to one of the servants who bowed slightly and left the room.  The servant returned with with a white box tied loosely with a thick red ribbon.  The box was set down by the fireplace.  Aoshi eyed it suspiciously when the box moved a little on its own.

    "Are you finished with breakfast?" Yotsuya asked.  

    For a moment, Aoshi was not certain how to answer the question.  He nodded, his little hand clutched the fork tightly as if it was the only weapon he had in the world.  

    "Then you are excused," Yotusya said.  "Go open your present."

    Aoshi slide off the chair and dashed eagerly to the box.  As soon as he untied the red ribbon which secured the box top, a little yellow dog crept out of the opening.  Aoshi laughed and lifted the fluffy puppy out of the box.  Some of the servants in the room smiled and laughed with him.

    "Thank you daddy," Aoshi said and looked over to Yotsuya.  Yotsuya smiled and nodded.  He pushed himself away from the table and stood.    

    "Take him and the dog out to the yard," Yotsuya said to one of the maids.  "Make sure his clothes don't get too dirty."

    Aoshi had given the dog a name although he knew he could not keep it.  It didn't matter.  Nothing did.  Aoshi played in the yard until a maid came for him.  It was already past noon and Yotsuya was waiting for him in the dining room.  Aoshi made the old woman promise she would feed the dog before he would go with her.

    "He wants to adopt you," the old woman told him and guided him into the bathroom.  She hoisted Aoshi up to the sink and dabbed liquid soap into his hands.  Aoshi scrubbed his hands, uncertain if the woman wanted an answer from him.  

    "Would you like that?" She added, when Aoshi did not reply.

    "I don't know."

    "He wanted a son for a long time."

    Aoshi found himself nodding, only because he didn't know what to say.  The maid toweled Aoshi's hand dry then washed his face with a damp cloth.  

    "You have very lovely eyes," she said and gave him a smile.  "You're a very pretty little boy."

    Aoshi returned the smile but said nothing.  The only thing on his mind was the small dog and how much he already miss it.

    Aoshi spent most of the lunch watching Yotsuya, waiting for the sudden change in his demeanor.  Yotsuya had been surprisingly pleasant to him so far and that alone made Aoshi's insides churn anxiously.  The longer the wait between his "punishment", the worse it would be.  

    "Would you like to live here?"

    Yotsuya's sudden question jostled Aoshi from his thoughts and it took him a few moments to understand the question.  He nodded.

    "Do you remember your father?"

    Aoshi shook his head and kept his eyes down on his plate.  

    "How about your mother?"

    Aoshi looked up at Yotsuya, uncertain how to answer him.

    "A little bit," Aoshi said.  

    "Was she the one who sold you?"

    Aoshi nodded.  Some un-named emotion welled up in his chest, making it a little difficult to breathe.  He didn't want to talk about his mother.  He didn't want to think about her.

    "Do you know why she did?"

    Aoshi shook his head. 

    "Is it because you're mixed blood?"

    Aoshi didn't understand but he had little desire to pursue the meaning of the question.  "I don't know," he said.  "I don't know anything."

    Yotsuya studied him for a few seconds then changed the subject, satisfied with Aoshi's final reply to his questions.  Yotsuya spoke about the fictitious private school where Aoshi had been a mediocre and rebellious student.  Aoshi waited for some fault he would inexplicably be scolded and punished for.  However, it did not come.

    After the nervous lunch, Aoshi was taken to a playroom where he was greeted by his excited new pet.  He was oblivious of Yotsuya watching him from the door way at first, then when he took notice, Aoshi became apprehensive.  He tried to hide the joy of having a new friend and scuttled away into the far corner of the room, as if the distance itself would dissolve some of the tension in the air.

    "Aoshi, bring the dog to me."

    Aoshi clutched the small animal in his arms, horrified by the sound of the demand.  

    "Please don't hurt him..." Aoshi said numbly.  The first tear has already trickled from his eye.  He knew something terrible would happen to the puppy.

    Yotsuya walked toward him and Aoshi found himself quivering, numb and frantic.  Aoshi held to the puppy even tighter against his chest, burying his face in the soft fur.  He sensed Yotsuya in front of him and he pictured him staring down with mad-filled eyes.  

    "Daddy I'll do anything...I'll be good, I'll be good..." Aoshi said, the words came like rehearsed chants.  

    Yotsuya pulled the small dog out of Aoshi's arms by its neck and a pain-filled squeal came from it.  Aoshi crawled forward, finding no strength in his legs to stand, and grabbed Yotsuya by the hem of his pants.

    "Please daddy, I'll be good.  Please--"

    The puppy's stifled screeches became louder as Yotsuya tightened his grip on its neck.  Aoshi screamed, wanting to drown out the small animal's sounds with his own.  Words that made no sense spilled out of him, as quickly as the tears that came.

    "Do you love this worthless dog more than me?"  

    "No no no no--" Aoshi covered his ears and shook his head.  He still could hear the terrible wails from the dog.  Then suddenly, the puppy didn't make any more sounds.  Aoshi retreated back into the corner and made himself as small as he could.  He couldn't stop screaming.  When he finally did, Yotsuya's labored breathing was the only thing he could hear.  

    "Do you love me angel?" Yotsuya asked in a gentle voice.

    Aoshi said nothing.  His eyes stared fixedly on the limp animal in Yotsuya's hand, tears still flowing.  Yotsuya laughed, then dropped the puppy in front of the boy.  Yotsuya left the room, although Aoshi hardly noticed.  It took Aoshi awhile to stop crying, then gather enough energy to crawl toward the puppy.  The little boy laid down next to it and closed his eyes-- wishing he could stay asleep forever, like the little dog.

    When the caretaker came for Aoshi, the little boy was still crying.  A quick inspection assured him Aoshi was not physically injured.  Something else had happened.  The caretaker picked up Aoshi and held him close, stroking his hair as he whispered words to comfort him.  Aoshi buried his face against the keeper's shoulder and held fistful of the dress shirt.   

    "He's still a virgin, I assure you," Yotsuya said and gave the keeper a dismissing wave.  "I don't do that to a boy that small."

    "Then why is he still crying?"

    Yotsuya smiled and said nothing for awhile.

    "I like the boy," Yotsuya said.  "Tell your employer that I'm ready to negotiate."

    The caretaker felt Aoshi's arms tighten a little more and the boy was shaking a little harder.  He had never seen Aoshi so terrified or distressed.  

    "I don't think he's for sale," he said and started to walk toward the front door.  "I hope to God that he never comes back here again."

    The caretaker strode out of the manor with Yotsuya laughing behind him.  

    Days had passed and the horrible memories still came back to him in his dreams.  The vividness of the dreams were so terrifying that Aoshi often forced himself to stay awake. 

    Then that day came.  Aoshi was startled awake by the sound of the heavy metal door being pushed open.  The usual cacophony of other children's murmurings came to a halt, replaced with the sounds of rustling.  The sounds of the children scurrying to the furthest corner of their pen.  Two sets of heavy footsteps resounded the halls.  Aoshi's stomach tightened, afraid to look up to see who the visitor was.  He was certain he would start to scream if it was Yotsuya walking down the hall, coming for him.

    The footsteps were slow and measured, as if the visitor was studying the children in the pen carefully.  Aoshi made himself look up when the footstep neared his pen.  It was not Yotsuya.  The visitor was a thin man in a white suit.  The man didn't look very interested as he walked with one of the keepers, throwing scattered glances at the children.  Aoshi's eyes connected with the visitor's for just a moment, as he was walking past.  Aoshi stared at the white clothing the man wore, mesmerized by the sheer brightness of it in a darkened place like this.  A place where God had forgotten.

   The man in white stopped in his tracks and held Aoshi's stare for a few moments.  "Green eyes?" He said as he crouched down to look at Aoshi's face.  "He has a Japanese face."   

    "I am not too certain about his bloodline...the man who made the purchase didn't document it.  His mother is of European descent, I know for sure," the escort replied.

    Aoshi pressed himself harder into the corner of the pen when the man's gloved hand reached through the bars to touch him.  Aoshi held his thin blanket tighter, nearly ripping it.  The man in white seemed to be amused by Aoshi's fear.

    "How much does he cost?" He asked.  His gloved hand caught Aoshi's chin and tilted it upward.  Aoshi looked into the man's dark eyes and an involuntary shudder ran through him.  The boy tried to pull his chin away from the man's hand but the grip only tightened with his resistance.

    The escort shook his head.  "I was told he's not for sale.  The boss rather liked him...  He's also very popular with some of our older clients."    

    The man in white looked at Aoshi a little longer then stood.   

    "Arrange the buy."

    "But he is not..."

    "Arrange it.  I leave in an hour. He will be with me when I leave." 

    Aoshi watched the men leave then pulled the thin blanket around him and curled in a small ball.  He felt like crying again although he was not certain why.  He knew he should be terrified by the man in white who had just purchased him, although he knew nothing about him.  Briefly he wondered if this man would also play cruel games with him like Yotsuya.  He drifted off into a light sleep with the question in his mind.     

   Aoshi was awakened by the sound of the cage door to his pen being opened.  The caretaker held out his arms and nodded for Aoshi to come to him. 

    "I don't want to go..." Aoshi whispered, shaking his head.

    A stern look from the caretaker made Aoshi sit up then crawl out to him.   

    "You'll be all right, Aoshi..." the keeper assured him as he was carried out of his prison.  "You will have a new life.  Do what you can to escape the future your mother sold you into."

    Aoshi was carried through several flights of stairs, and then brought up to the topside of the building.  When the doors were pushed open, the sunlight stung his eyes.  Aoshi felt himself being lowered to stand on his own.  A larger, gloved hand took one of his and started to walk him toward the chopper resting on the marked pad.  

    "Call me daddy."

    Aoshi looked up and said nothing.  Against the sunlight, his new father almost look like an angel.  A kind spirit who had come and swept him away from this despicable place.

    But there is no God....  

    "Why did you buy me...?" Aoshi said in a small voice.      

    "Did you understand what kind of place you've just left?"

    Aoshi nodded.

    "All you need to know, dear boy, is that I've taken you from that fate," his father crouched down and cupped Aoshi's face.   "You belong to me.  I can love you just as easily as I can throw you away, back into a place like this one.  As long as you love only me, I will give you a good life."

    Aoshi nodded again although those words were meaningless to him.  He held out his small arms and wrapped them around his new father's neck.

    "Tell me you love me," his father said as his arms encircled Aoshi and drew him into his embrace.  

    "I love you, daddy," Aoshi whispered, as a drop of tear rolled from the corner of his eye and disappeared into the white fabric.  "I will love only you...."      

111601  Narcissus