Silent Lucidity: Crawl Away Side Story

    "Ian?"

    "Sir?" I said and looked up from the disassembled Beretta I had been cleaning.  Kanryu's back stayed turned from me and he continued to look through the window. From the yard below, a maid called out to Aoshi's name and told the boy not to run.  Kanryu had been watching them.

    "I want to keep him," he said.

    "Are you certain, sir? He has only been here a month."

    "Have you ever seen something and in that instant, you know you wanted it more than anything in the world, although you are not even sure what it was that you wanted from it?"

    I put down the bolt that I had been polishing and wiped my hands on the rag.

    "No sir, I don't think I have."

    Kanryu looked over his shoulder and a corner of his mouth curled in a knowing smile.

    "Well, I have," he said.  "He was it.  The moment I saw him in the small pen, wrapped in a soiled little blanket, trying to hide from the world.  I knew then he belonged to me."

    His smile grew as he spoke.  He slid the leather chair out from his desk and sat down in it.  He kept one side to the window so he could continue to watch Aoshi as he reclined back in his chair.

    "He is a beautiful child," I said.

    "That wasn't why I chose him," he said and reached into the carved cedar box on his desk for a cigar.  I waited until he lit it before I spoke.

    "May I ask why, sir?"

    He let out a long breath of smoke and rolled the thick cigar between his fingers.

    "There is a sense of tragic and sadness within him that I had never felt from anyone before," he said.  "His presence disarms me.  He is a reminder of my own faults and vulnerabilities."

    "Most people would be glad to be rid of anyone or anything that brings that kind of hopelessness.  Never mind bringing it close to them." 

    He turned and smiled at me.  "You don't understand, Ian," he said.  "He is the sum of my soul."

    That afternoon, one of the young women who had been watching Aoshi came to me shortly before lunch and in near tears, she explained she could not find the boy.  

    "He was in the yard...but..." she said, then burst into tears.  "I looked for him everywhere--"

    "He couldn't have gotten out," I said.  "I'll go look for him.   Dry those tears before you get in the house or Kanryu-sama will know."

    She nodded and blotted at her eyes with her apron.

    "Ask the cook to delay serving lunch by 20 minutes for me," I said and gave her an assuring pat on her head before she thanked me and dashed off.

    I went out to the backyard where Kanryu had set up an elaborate playground for Aoshi.  I walked through it and listened for him.  A terrible thought came to me when I suddenly remembered a small pond toward the end of the estate.  I ran through the small forest Kanryu had landscaped behind the mansion.--images of the little boy's lifeless body floating in the waters went through my head as I did so.  I was relieved for a moment when I reached the pond and saw nothing except for the gentle circles of waves made by the koi fish Kanryu had raised there.  Then I became concerned that perhaps the body sank when I heard rustling behind me.

    Aoshi stood among the trees, his clothing soiled and torn as if he had been crawling through the woods.  At first, there were no expression in his face when our eyes met.  Then he looked scared.  I must have appeared angry to him.  

    "Come here," I said and crouched down and opened my arms to him.

    He didn't move.  He looked as if he was about to cry.

    "I am not going to hurt you, I promise," I said softly.  "I just want to make sure you're okay."

    He hesitated for a few more moments before he came to me.  He stopped  short a feet away.  I wiped away some dirt from his face with my fingers and smiled at him.

    "Are you hurt anywhere?"   

    He shook his head.  His pretty green eyes glittered brilliantly.

    "Let's get you cleaned up and changed for lunch, okay?" I said.

    He nodded.  I stood up and held him by the hand and walked him back to the mansion.  I took him to the maids to have him cared for while I waited.  The ladies worked fast.  Aoshi was washed and changed into a new outfit within 15 minutes--but it was 25 minutes past the scheduled lunch time.

    "Don't talk about what happened out there, okay?" I said to Aoshi before we entered the dining room.

    He looked puzzled but he nodded anyway.  When we entered the dining room, Kanryu was furious.  I knelt down and bowed down until my forehead was nearly touching the floor.  

    "My deepest apologies, sir.  The fault is entirely mine," I said.  "I was the one with him and I had completely lost track of time."

    "It isn't like you to do that," Kanryu said in an even voice, but I knew he was fuming inside.

    "It is not, sir.  I take full responsibility for this mistake."

    From the corner of my eye, I saw Kanryu look at me for a few seconds, then grabbed the napkin off his plate.

    "Get up," he said in a low growl.  "This will be the last and only time you will ever be late."

    "Of course, sir," I said and got up.  "Thank you."  Aoshi looked frightened and he was shaking a little.

    I scooped him up in my arms and carried him to his seat with the thick cushion.  After I sat him down on the elevated seat, I circled around the table and pulled out my chair.  Aoshi started to cry when I took my seat.

    Both Kanryu and I stared at Aoshi, uncertain what to say.  Droplet of tears streamed down his small face, but he made no sound.

    "I'm sorry I made you angry, daddy..." He finally said in a tiny voice that felt like a knife cutting into my heart.

    All traces of anger left Kanryu suddenly and his face softened. 

    "I'm not angry with you, darling."

    "I'll be good.  I promise," Aoshi said.

    "I know you will be," Kanryu said.  "Don't cry.  You are a boy, aren't you?" 

    Aoshi scrubbed his damp face with the linen napkin.  Kanryu smiled at him and nodded approvingly, then called for the servants to come in through the intercom.  Aoshi looked at me, then down at his plate and didn't raise his eyes up at me again through lunch.  

    That night, Kanryu left for France.  Kanryu usually had me accompany him when he left Japan for business meetings, but for his own reason, he had left me to supervise Aoshi's care.  However, Aoshi had avoided me since the day I found him in soiled and torn clothing.  For two days, he either hid from me or ran away when he saw me.  I didn't pursue the matter although it bothered me that the boy seemed to be afraid of me.  Then one of his caretakers told me Aoshi had been asking for milk.  He would drink half of it, and pour the other half into a plastic bag and put it in his pocket or take the glass outside with him when he thought no one was looking.

    "Where does he go with it?" I asked.

    The young girl shrugged.  "We tried to follow but he always manages to outrun us in the woods," she said.  "I hope he has not been putting the milk in the pond.  Kanryu-sama would be livid if his fish died."

    "Let me know when he does this again," I said.

    I didn't have to wait for long.  Before lunch, Aoshi had come into the kitchen and asked for a glass of milk.  I was summoned and I watched from the door way as Aoshi drank the milk. After he drank half of of the glass, he slid off the chair and took the rest with him.  His two little hands clutched the glass tightly as he hurried through the backdoor and toward the dense woods.

    I followed.  And it was with some difficulty.  He ran fast for a small child and he easily disappeared among the foliage.  I tracked him by sound.  When I found him, he was knelt over something as he dripped the milk onto it.  Aoshi had found a small hide-away which was a hollowed trunk of an oak tree that had been knocked down by a storm years ago, but Kanryu decided to leave it where it had fallen because he had liked the tree.

    Aoshi suddenly became aware of me and he was startled.  He picked up the thing he had been caring for and crawled to the furtherest corner of the tree he could wedge himself into.  The glass of milk tipped over, and its opalescent fluid sank slowly into the dirt.  I could barely see Aoshi where he had hidden himself in the shadow.  I crouched down at the entrance and looked at him.  I could hear him breathing hard with slightest whimper from his throat.

   "It's okay, Aoshi.  You don't have to be afraid of me," I said. 

   He didn't answer and he didn't move.

   "Aoshi...let me help you..."

   I heard a sob and I thought I saw him shake his head in the darkness. 

   "Darling, I will never hurt you or your...friend.  I promise."

   "No, no, no..." he said.  "Everybody lies..."

   "Have I lied to you?"

   "Everybody lies," he said again.  This time, his voice quivered and I knew he was crying.

   "Have I ever hurt you?"

   He didn't answer.

   "I know I am asking a lot when I am asking you to trust me.  I haven't earned that right yet.  But, please believe me when I tell you that you don't have to be afraid of me.  I am not asking you to love me like those men in the past had asked for...I want to be your friend."

   He stayed quiet.  I stood up and leaned against the tree and smoked.  I didn't want to force the boy out but then, he might just stay in there all afternoon into the night.  I had not only treaded on his sanctuary, but also discovered his secret--whatever it might be.  If he didn't hate me before, he would have every reason to do so now.

   By my fourth cigarette and thirty minutes into our stand-off.  He crawled out of the tree.  His face was smudged with dirt and drying tears.  He watched me for a few minutes and neither one of us moved.  He unfurled his arms and showed me what he had been concealing.

   It was a small orange and white kitten, perhaps no more than a week old and only the size of my two fingers put together.  It appeared to be sleeping.  I crouched down and gestured for Aoshi to bring it to me.  He did so with great hesitancy.

   "Was this the reason why your clothes was torn up the other day?" I asked as I picked up the kitten carefully from his hands.

   He nodded.

   "Its mommy didn't want it," he said in a small voice that was so full of pain that it twisted knots in my throat.

   I gathered him to me and held him, just to buy myself time to get my bearings.

   "It's okay," I said finally and gave him a kiss on his forehead.  "We want it."

   He nodded and looked down at the kitten in my hand.  The kitten did not move, and although I did not check for its pulse, I knew it was dead.

   "Please help him," he said, and he was crying again. 

   "Honey, sometimes there are things you and I or anyone have the power to undo..."

   "No, no, no," he said and shook his head vigorously.  "Help him! Help him!"

   I picked him up and walked toward the pond a few yards away.  His fists pounded against my shoulder as he shouted for me to help the kitten.  I set Aoshi down on a boulder and shrugged off my jacket, careful not to drop the cat.  I laid the small animal in the center of my jacket and folded it into a small bundle.

   I was not certain if I could explain to a child who had been through hell, the concept of death.  In some way, I knew he had identified the kitten as himself--a throw-away who meant nothing to the world it was born into.  I struggled with the words and for a long time, I could not find my voice. 

   "Aoshi," I said and brushed a few strands of his hair from his eyes.  "I want you to understand this is not your fault.  The kitten's been sick and it just wasn't strong enough.  You tried hard though, and I am sure it's very happy to have you as a friend."

   He nodded although there's not much comprehension in his tear-filled eyes.

   "We will bury it here so you can visit him any time you like."

   He nodded again.

   "He's in Heaven now and in a happy place, darling.  Don't be so sad."

   He wound his arms around my neck and held to me.

   "Can I go there too?" He asked.

   I ran my fingers through his hair.

   "Someday, honey, after you find your own happiness here on Earth."

   "You promise?"

   "I promise," I said and held him tighter against me.  "I swear I will help you find it..."

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